Event attendees cheated out of seats

The office of Student Leadership and Programming was bombarded with requests (via L*IN*K of course) that Clark Students for the Liberation of Zoo Animals (CSLZA) be fined or “punished in some way” for forcing 11 Clark students to stand throughout their 11-hour strategy briefing for their upcoming event, The Elephant Exodus.
Allegedly, club president Robert Shinewald hid forty of Grace Conference Room’s chairs in the neighboring Lasry Conference room, supposedly to make people stand and make the event look better-attended than it actually was.
With 16 attendants and only 5 chairs, on which non-presenting members of the Executive Board sat, the 11 trainees were forced to stand throughout the affair, not knowing that some chairs, in need of liberation, sat captive in just the next room.
“It was very demeaning,” said Rebecca Jones, a first-year student. “I felt trapped, like the elephants must have. I thought it was a way of teaching solidarity, but now I realize it was simply a cheap marketing gag. I thought CSLZA was better than this.”
In an exclusive interview with The Guardian, Shinewald reported that he regretted the marketing ploy, because “it didn’t even make more people show up. Clark students must not like standing.”
Molly Sampson, CUSC’s Left Handed Students Representative, brought the matter to the attention of Council at last Wednesday’s meeting. Sampson recommended that the group’s pending Grants Committee request (for grappling hooks and pry-bars) be thrown in the garbage. Ingrid Blackman, however, People Who Go To CUSC Meetings Representative, stated that Sampson should be disqualified from discussing this topic, as she has a conflict of interest. Sampson, of course, is pursuing a self-designed Zoology concentration as part of her Art History degree.
The Judiciary Committee reported that they would have to table this matter entirely, because they could not check on the constitutionality of such a conflict of interests at this time, as the constitution was currently in the Clark Archives getting repaired.
(Obviously, this difficulty is a result of last week’s incident in which Nicolas Cage was caught trying to resurrect his film career by stealing smaller-scale governing documents, before working his way back up to the federal government.)
Before being dragged out of the room by CUSC’s newly acquired bailiff, Sampson shouted accusations that Cage had been hired by CSLZA to “liberate the document.”
Student Leadership and Programming has not announced any official sanctions for the group as of this time, but has scheduled a session titled “Safe Ways To Improve Event Attendance,” to be held this Thursday at 4 p.m. in Grace Conference Room.