Capricorn: Be a good person, or beyond the grave, your soul will forever be damned to inhabit Freud’s statue in Red Square – truly a dark fate.

Aquarius: You must respect walkway etiquette or your Bistro order will be stolen by the worst vampire of them all: someone who sucks the lifeblood out of Clark’s convenient food choice and can’t wait their turn.

Pisces: Embrace evil, take up an entire booth at the library. The monster within you needs space to breathe.

Aries: Pay attention, or while trying to listen to your professor’s quiet, boring lectures, you will fall into a deep nightmare of ghouls and goblins, and you will wake with a start when they call on you.

Taurus: Stop procrastinating. Your luck may fall short, and your fate may be grim (a poor grade on a small assignment).

Gemini: The apocalypse is coming, specifically the sassy man apocalypse. Do not fall for the temptations.

Cancer: Value your sleep; the lawn mowers do not. They will never consider your pain.

Leo: Stop posting about “eye-tag” on the missed connections Instagram page, or the person you keep playing eye-tag with across the Academic Commons will actually try to talk to you.

Virgo: Calm down. Death is coming for us all, no matter what.

Libra: Stop focusing on your friend’s relationship drama – something else is creeping up behind you while you’re distracted (that exam your eyes missed on the syllabus).

Scorpio: Nonchalance isn’t that great. You must take inspiration from the jack-o-lantern, with a funny little face and smile. Everyone loves jack-o-lanterns.

Sagittarius: The blood that runs through your veins shall never be clean. You do not need a third day of Bistro.