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The Scarlet Letter [10/31/13]

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An Open Letter To Dunkin’ Donuts

by Jeremy Levine

Dear Dunkin’ Donuts,

I entered a Dunkin’ Donuts location the other day and was greeted warmly by its staff, as I’m sure is the standard that you wish to uphold. I then had a doughnut (please note the spelling), which was pretty OK, which I’m sure is the standard that you wish to uphold. I was then given my coffee, complete with a label reminding me that it might be a little warm, which I’m sure is the standard that you wish to uphold.

And then you offended, appalled, and alienated me (all at once!), which I’m sure is not the standard that you wish to uphold. 
You see, Dunkin’ Donuts, you claim that America Runs On Dunkin. It then seems strange that an American such as myself could feel so out-of-place in a Dunkin’ Donuts.

But it happened. And do you know how? By your placement of the New England Patriots logo on the coffee cup’s side.

I’m a Buffalo Bills fan, and as a Buffalo Bills fan, I have been taught to despise anything relating to the New England Patriots. And so, when you placed them on your mug, I immediately resented you, your coffee, and even those relatively nice cashiers. If American Runs On Dunkin’, then you’re doing a dandy job of ostracizing most of America.

Now, I was taught to be accepting. I was taught that, no matter what you do, you should try to include people of all races and religions and sports affiliations. You, Dunkin Donuts, apparently have no such values. I am apprehensive to patronize your place of business in the future (unless like I need to use the bathroom on a road trip in which case I’m going in there and not even buying anything!).

Open your minds. Come back to the American values of totally not excluding any groups of people at all. If America is truly to run on Dunkin’, then Dunkin’ should consider running on some American values. Only then will you be America’s one true coffee shop.

Right now, that position is held by Jazzman’s Café. You won’t see any sports teams on their styrofoam cups.

That’s because they don’t even have styrofoam cups. Stop killing the planet, too. That’s mean.


Respectfully Yours,

Jeremy Levine


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The Scarlet Letter [10/31/13]