In a world where the British Prime Minister cannot last longer than a head of lettuce and snow crab populations are falling faster than the British GDP, there is a soda known as Dr Perky that only a select few have been able to try. The caramel-colored soda is only found in the carbonated beverage aisle of Hannaford Brothers Supermarket, a mystical place that dots the large pine trees through northern New England and upstate New York. Sidenote, if you are familiar with the Dr Perky brand but not the greatest supermarket chain around, it may be because Hannaford is owned by a conglomerate that also owns a few other grocery stores with dumb names such as Giant Food, Bottom Dollar Food, and of course, Hannaford’s natural enemy, Stop and Shop.

The soda promises a smooth flavor and the plastic wrapper claims you can receive a refund if your Perky is not smooth. Many people introduced to the substance are quick to point out that it bears a strikingly similar name and flavor profile as the popular soft drink Dr Pepper. However, these claims are mere blasphemy aimed at deteriorating the legacy of Dr Perky, a soda that offers a completely different experience from the pepper physician.

My first subject to be introduced to the mysterious drink was a person who demanded that they go under the alias “wolf123cub.” Wolf123cub described it as having a “creamy texture” and “sorta” of like Dr Pepper but still a different experience. Wolf123cub remarked how the “smooth flavor” promise on the bottle was certainly correct and gave a flavor unique from any other. Wolf123cub gave the soda a 6/10, a tragedy considering Dr Perky is a 10/10 soda.

This setback forced me to find somebody who understood the true power of Dr Perky. But alas, I stumbled upon yet more people who could not understand that Dr Perky was indeed the best soda. I offered the soda to two volunteers unaware that they were just about to taste the best soda in the world. One of the volunteers remarked that it smelled like cough syrup and the other remarked about “the cherry flavor smell”. The volunteer who made the cough syrup remark reacted in disgust when first consuming the beverage with the statement: “It tastes like cough medicine!” The volunteer then proceeded to dump the rest of the soda onto the green. The other volunteer Drank the whole thing but was mostly unimpressed giving it a 5/10 while our other volunteer gave it a 2/10.

There had been so many setbacks at this point I felt as if spreading the Dr Perky gospel was an insurmountable feat. However, my next set of volunteers luckily had a more favorable view of the soda without any of them dumping their drinks into the grass. The two new volunteers remarked that it simply tasted like off-brand Dr Pepper, ignoring the unrivaled experience that Dr Perky provides. They both said that they “would drink it if it were at a party” but they would need a side-by-side comparison with Dr Pepper in order to reach a conclusion on which carbonated beverage and gave the drink an 8/10.

My final trip was to Bullock Hall where I was able to find several volunteers willing to try my caramel-colored bottle of fizz. This set of volunteers mostly gave mixed reviews with some saying the drink was simply “good” while others described it as too watery. Overall, I still had not converted anybody to the cult of Dr Perky.

It was an absolute tragedy to hear that the delicious carbonated drink known as Dr Perky could not become the new favorite drink of non-Hannaford grocery shoppers. This has led me into a spiral I am not sure I will ever fully recover from. The only thing that will ease my suffering is the sweet release of Perky smoothing my brain.