A new primary is afoot in America where the Republican Party will decide who will become the nominee for the presidency. The winner will face Joe Biden while the losers will become Fox News contributors and write books that sell five copies. Today we are going to be looking at the top 5 Republican candidates and rating how powerful they are, factoring in charisma, electability, and policy proposals.

5. Mike Pence will never be president. Despite this obvious fact, it will not stop him from running. When a candidate runs, they must ask themselves “who is my base?” I highly doubt Pence has an answer to this question since I cannot even fathom what a Pence voter is. One might say that his base is evangelical Christians and the Christian right who are focused on banning abortion nationwide, banning gay marriage, banning free speech in schools, etc. The Christian right has been actively pursuing an agenda of restricting civil liberties for decades and with the fall of Roe V Wade, their agenda of a country governed by their reactionary interpretation of Christianity seems more possible than ever. Certainly, Mike Pence, a man who has spent his entire career pushing this same reactionary rhetoric, would be a perfect choice. However, Trump has already commanded this base easily in his primary and in the general and even to this day Trump has a high approval among evangelical Christians, so siphoning voters will be an uphill battle. The only way I can see Pence even cracking 10% is if he just runs on banning abortion which may be popular among some parts of the Republicans but is a losing issue in a general election. Other than the Christian right, nobody else likes Pence; considering Trump supporters had the gallows waiting for him on January 6th I doubt any Trump supporters will switch sides. But most importantly the man has the charisma of his default video game character haircut. This guy gets a power ranking of 2.5/100. 

4. Nikki Haley is by far one of the most pathetic politicians on this entire list. For starters, she does not have any actual beliefs of her own. She has spent her entire career supporting whatever position will get her the most votes and has avoided breaking with Republicans on any issue. Since January 6th, Haley found herself in a precarious position as she could not decide whether she should embrace Trumpism or join the coalition of Republicans that believe Trump is no longer a viable candidate after his 2020 loss. Since then, she has constantly flip flopped on her position of Trump but now that she is entering the race, she will have to start criticizing him. What are her qualifications? Well, she was governor of South Carolina where she spent her time in office defending the flying of the Confederate flag until reversing her position after the 2015 Charleston massacre but even afterward defended the flag as “southern heritage.” She also had a hilarious campaign announcement video in which she claimed America was not a racist country, even though the thesis of her video argued that her hometown in South Carolina was divided due to racist housing policies. After being governor she was appointed by Trump to be the Ambassador to United Nations where, after a UN report stated parts of rural Alabama had some of the worst poverty in the world, she infamously pulled out of the UN human rights council. She called the report politically motivated and shortly afterward resigned. What she will run on is completely up in the air. Perhaps she will engage in racist fearmongering about the southern border? Her platform was easily scrutinized on Fox News when Sean Hannity asked if she had any policy differences between her and Trump to which she dodged the question and never gave an answer. She has also said that Georgia Senator Raphael Warnock should be “deported” in a bizarre statement, given he was born in the United States. Another problem with Haley is she is yet another uncharismatic speaker who is more likely to put a crowd to sleep than a dose of melatonin. This was shown during her disastrous speech at the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC), which still exists for some reason, where she drew a crowd smaller than the chance of her winning. So why would anyone vote for her? No idea. 1/100, she will drop out before Iowa.     

3. Mike Pompeo? I don’t remember him either. He was the former Director of the CIA where he spent his time plotting to overthrow democratically elected governments in South America and spying on left wing activists. Mike Pompeo represents bringing back the “good ol days” of neo-conservatism. In addition to working at the CIA, Pompeo went on to serve as Secretary of State where he engaged in some of the United State’s worst imperialist endeavors; most notably his support of the fascist coup in Bolivia who ousted democratically elected leader Evo Morales,replacing him with neo-fascist Jeanine Anez who was eventually arrested after democratic elections resumed. Pompeo is betting that he runs on just foreign policy with a sprinkle of reactionary views on social issues. He will probably fearmonger about China taking over the world, talk about banning TikTok, and discuss doing a coup in Venezuela. However, that is probably all he will ever get to talk about before dropping out of the race considering no American wants another neocon president. The only reason why I ranked him higher than Haley and Pence is because he comes from a different background given his political career being spent mostly in the state department. Haley and Pence probably disagree on very little, but Pompeo probably has opinions that differ in foreign policy since the other two have no idea how international relations work. Although controversial, I am going to give him a ranking of 14/100.   

2. Ron Desanctamonious? Meatball Ron? Whatever his nickname is, his campaign could go either way. Ron DeSantis hasn’t even announced his campaign but given he has already started fundraising he might as well announce. Ron Desantis was a basically unknown figure up until the mainstream media started pedaling him as a possible 2024 contender with his anti lockdown pandemic policies. This still perplexes me given DeSantis had the policies of basically every other reactionary Republican at the time. Not only that but he has virtually no characteristics of being a talented politician. Ron DeSantis has the most boring sounding voice of all the other candidates. He may be extreme in some of his views but he is low energy and could never rile up a crowd the same way Trump could. DeSantis also has piling controversies he has to deal with, most notably a report that he ate a chocolate pudding dessert with no spoon–instead opting to use his fingers as the method of transportation to his mouth. In recent months DeSantis has run the trouble of needing to compete with Trump, as Trump has now begun openly attacking him–a sharp contrast to the man who was once silent on any challengers to the nomination. What he does have going for him is the uniquely reactionary campaign that he has been waging in order to further his agenda. DeSantis has gutted the Florida public school system so that teachers are confused as to what books they can teach after the governor enacted a massive purge of books deemed acceptable by the state, a truly dystopian move. DeSantis has also massively contributed to the Republicans’ transphobia, homophobia, and racism. DeSantis has done horrendous things to restrict civil liberties by limiting gender affirming care, banning media that contains references to being gay, as well as the ban of teaching children that slavery once existed in the United States. While these policies are a detriment to civil liberties the unfortunate truth is that many Americans, especially conservatives, do not value freedom. DeSantis is merely a Trump alternative and, if he is nominated, it will be because he is not Trump, not because he is Ron DeSantis. DeSantis gets a score of 38/100.                                     

1. Donald Trump still is the most likely person to get the nomination which in all honesty is a boring reality. The fact that we have now resorted to recycling candidates is truly a showing of how low American politics has gone. However, one cannot underestimate that Trump still has a large base both in the Republican party and in America in general. His reactionary rhetoric still resonates with a large part of the country and despite many trying to replicate it, nobody has come close. The Republican party also has no idea what any of its policy positions are, and has opted to go for issues that have proved to be unwinnable such as abortion or the restrictions on education implemented in schools and universities. Trump will most likely run on a platform of attempting to convince his base that the media, Democrats, etc. are out to get them, and that he is their only hope. Of course the majority of Americans are tired of Trump and want someone different. However, the recent spectacle of him being arrested will certainly charge up his base but whether or not the general public have any interest in defending him is another question. There is much more to say about Trump, but in reality you probably know everything about him by now so I’m going to give our number 1 spot a 50/100.                                                         

Dishonorable mentions: 

Asa Hutchinson

Asa Hutchinson is from a state that everyone forgets exists and just like the state he too will become forgotten given how boring he is. He has suggested running on a policy of right wing immigration policies given his past positions working in the department of homeland security and drug enforcement. For the record though, he is from Arkansas -10/100.       

Chris Christie 

It would be pretty funny if he decided to run considering he left office with the lowest approval rating as any governor. Not to mention he too fell to the same fate as other republican hopefuls, that being the constant flip flopping over Trump’s presidency. What else is there to say about him? Nothing. Because he is a nobody -100/100.   

Vivek Ramaswamy 

This is the man attempting to be the Andrew Yang of the 2024 race with him being yet another corporate goon being the CEO of a private healthcare company. He may be on the debate stage once or twice and have a devoted fan base of 2 crypto bros but in reality he’s just a Trump wannabe with no charisma and no real policies. He described himself in a Fox News interview as America First 2.0 which isn’t even a policy he just added a number to a Trump phrase. Power ranking -200/100.