This story was originally published in print, on April 9th, 2024, in the Satire Edition of the Scarlet, the Shartlet.

In 1909, world-renowned psychologist and researcher of eel’s sexual organs, Sigmund Freud visited Clark University. Freud delivered the opening lecture of a five-day conference entitled “The Origin and Development of Psychoanalysis.” Later that night, he sampled the culinary delights of The Bistro and succumbed to near-deadly food poisoning. Freud promptly fled back to Austria and never returned to the United States. Today, Sigmund Freud is the unofficial mascot of Clark University. Whenever Clarkies pass the magnificent statue of his likeness in Red Square, they make sure to bow and show respect. Some even leave offerings of wine and bread in hopes of gaining Freud’s favor for luck on upcoming exams. As one anonymous Clark student put it, “Freud is my mommy, my daddy, and my boyfriend.”

But it seems Freud left behind more than just his wisdom. On April 1st, students and faculty gathered at Red Square to unearth a time capsule Freud buried during his visit to Clark. Why Freud specifically instructed for the capsule not to be opened 41,865 days after his lecture, no one knows. Clarkies waited with bated breath as the capsule was opened to reveal an unexpected surprise: 115-year-old cocaine! 

Sigmund Freud was well-known for his groundbreaking research on mommy-issues and penis envy. He is also famous for innovative theories on cocaine, which he called a “magical substance” and a “miracle drug.” Freud wrote about the numerous health benefits of cocaine and encouraged his patients, friends, and family to take the drug. It seems he also wanted to share its wonders with the students at Clark University! 

The contents of the time capsule are currently being held in David Fithian’s office, with no word on when and how they will be distributed to students. 

Stay tuned: this is an ongoing story.