This story was originally published in print, on April 9th, 2024, in the Satire Edition of the Scarlet, the Shartlet.

Following reports of a missing student after the campus’s return from spring break, a small search party began in the surrounding Worcester area. However, the student was recently found in the halls of Clark University’s Johnson Sanford Center. The case brings to light questions of whether the confusing nature of the dormitory is dangerous for students. The sophomore was listed as missing as of Monday, March 18th, after sources said they didn’t attend class the prior week. Discovered 2 weeks later on Monday, April 1st, students started to speak up about the incident. “I saw them in a hall corner one time but thought they were just joking around. They must have been very hungry,” says one student. “I tried to give them one of my Bistro meals, but they said they weren’t THAT hungry,” says another.