This story was originally published in print, on April 9th, 2024, in the Satire Edition of the Scarlet, the Shartlet.

Last month, a group of concerned students launched an investigation into the operations of Residence Life and Housing in order to get to the root of the mysterious lag in email response time. An anonymous informant told investigators to check the IP address that the messages were coming from, which led to an office at Roger Williams Park Zoo. When students opened the door, they were shocked to find a computer manned by an unlikely organism – a three-toed sloth. Upon further investigation, the sloth was logged into the official RLH Microsoft suite and was typing responses to student emails at a painstakingly slow rate of 2.8 words per day. Documents found inside the office also revealed that the sloth was being paid in fresh fruit. It was clear that the sloth needed to be relieved from his position.

“I feel like there were better choices,” said a student who was on the scene. “At least the gorillas have fingers. This dude just has freaky little claws.”

When asked about a possible replacement, the zoo said that they are “in communication with Clark administrators to find a suitable animal for the task.”

“There is no need to employ a student to do this,” said a zoo official. “It’s cheaper to hire someone who can’t negotiate their salary.”

Interviews for the position will take place this week, and the zoo promises to assess candidates based on speed, demeanor and whether or not they have opposable thumbs. The sloth in question has provided a partial comment; a full typed comment is expected by the end of next week.