This story was originally published in print, on April 9th, 2024, in the Satire Edition of the Scarlet, the Shartlet.

Clark sophomore Marcus Palumbo was writing an essay in the academic commons for his political science class “The Politics of Joe Petty: Political Mastermind” when a combination of an asteroid hitting the earth, a nuclear war and another pandemic all simultaneously occurred.

“Yeah It’s gonna be about ten minutes before the 11:59 due date for this assignment hits so I can’t really be distracted by anything,” said Palumbo after our crew barely got to him in the now radioactive, disease ravaged, and mostly destroyed wasteland that is Earth. 

When we told Mr. Palumbo about the recent apocalypse he was frustrated to hear how he had spent his last few hours before the apocalypse hit: “I spent all night trying to finish a 10 page essay on how Joe Petty is the greatest mayor in America? I could’ve been watching the newest episode of Jon Stewart!” 

After departing the AC our news crew ran into a construction worker for the Goddard Library who promptly reminded us that the construction would be finished any day now.