This story was originally published in print, on April 9th, 2024, in the Satire Edition of the Scarlet, the Shartlet.

The campus of Clark University has been in mourning this week, as their beloved mascot Jonas the Cougar was put down after a shocking incident. 

Jonas has long been a staple of Clark’s school spirit, serving as a jolt of energy during sporting contests, orientation and other Clark-sanctioned events. Even though he has never said a word, only ever opting for a thumbs up, he has made a direct and lasting impact on students. He served as a warming and welcoming presence for new students at orientation, put on endlessly entertaining halftime performances during sports games and was always seen around campus with a smile that definitely didn’t look forced. 

On the morning of April 2, Liam Carrol, aged 7, was walking past the Clark campus around 10 a.m when Jonas emerged from the University Center, making a beeline for him. According to bystanders, Jonas had a crazed look in his eyes and was frothing at the mouth. Jonas’ saliva was sent to the lab, and it has since been confirmed that he was afflicted with rabies. Upon reaching Carrol, Jonas reportedly grabbed him, bit him on the arm, and scampered into ASEC. Carrol was quickly attended to by bystanders and brought to UMass Memorial Medical Center. He is currently recovering and in good condition, but is under medical supervision.

Animal control was called to detain the cougar. Jonas eluded authorities for two days, apparently roaming around the city. A ClarkAlert was sent to Clark students to be on the lookout for a crazed, rabid cougar. On April 4 he was found hiding in Higgins, supposedly assuming no one would ever voluntarily go in there. Jonas was corralled and kept at Health Services while the administration decided what to do with him. 

He stayed there overnight while word spread that the University leaders were leaning towards euthanization. Students staged a demonstration demanding the release of their beloved mascot, but their cries fell on deaf ears. At 8:48 a.m. on Friday, April 5, Jonas was humanely put down by lethal injection. University officials sent out a ClarkAlert announcing the incident and offering condolences, but little detail was provided as to why Jonas was put to death.

A vigil will be held in the Red Square on Wednesday, April 10 for those who would like to attend. Mourners are encouraged to dress in their best Jonas attire.