This story was originally published in print, on April 9th, 2024, in the Satire Edition of the Scarlet, the Shartlet.

It is a sad day for Clark University as one of David Fithian’s beloved horses, gifted to him by our tuition dollars, has passed away. We fondly remember Horsey McHorseface and all his contributions to student life. A statue of the glorious beast will be installed across from Freud by August of this year.

In this unfortunate time, I believe it is important to remember the positive things in life, so I am ecstatic to announce that Higgins Dining Hall is offering a new “Mystery meat special”! It is a delicious meat-loaf dish with a gravy sheen, how scrumptious! It has a very chewy texture which may put some off, but I think it is simply for an elevated palette. 

The “surprise” aspect comes in with the addition of various textures and flavors in the meat, some have been lucky enough to find long strands of what is probably a garnish and hard chunks of a rocky texture. Some have voiced suspicion over these chunks but I think they are simply too elementary to comprehend such an artisanal flavor. Certain Neighsayers even go as far as to claim that these are the chunks of horse hooves, and to that, I say how dare you. Our glorious leader’s furry friend and this new special do not correlate. 

I hope all refined Clarkies can try this wonderful meal, and I wish the best to the Fithians and their remaining six horses in these hard times.