This story was originally published in print, on April 9th, 2024, in the Satire Edition of the Scarlet, the Shartlet. 

To the Editors of The Shartlet,

Firstly, as a proud Clarkie Cougar Alum, I wish you all a happy and safe Spree Day!

I realized during one of my famed Presidential Office Hours™ that you, as the proud student body of Clark University, do not know much about me, your Benevolent Sup- I mean President. This is truly a shame and goes against the values of this fine institution. But before I tell you, did you know I studied sociology and english while I was at Clark? Before you ask: no, Lou Bastien did not have the privilege of teaching me. And I may have gone to Spree Day once or twice. 

With that out of the way, I would be glad to shed a little light on my personal life. I’ll start by answering a popular question: what are the names of my seven horses?

First, though, you may ask why someone like myself would have so many horses. Consider my responsibilities and duties I have as your President – fundraising is a lot more interesting when you have horses! And trust me, it helps when courting big donors. Most of them have horses, too. It’s very common.

I can reassure you, students, that my horses are exceptionally well-cared for. They don’t eat the food at Higgins, and they have no idea what a forced triple is!

Onto their names, then. The first one, and my favorite, is Elmer All-Purpose, followed by Elmer White, then Elmer All-Give, Elmer School, Elmer Liquid PVA and finally and most certainly least, Gorilla.

There you have it, the names of my horses. Now please stop asking me about them. It’s getting annoying. It was never that funny in the first place, especially when our Teamster “friends” were in Main South.

Your Benevolent Supreme Leader,

David Fithian