This story was originally published in print, on April 9th, 2024, in the Satire Edition of the Scarlet, the Shartlet. 

After the official spree day theme—“Sprenaissance Fair”— was revealed on March 29, President David Fithian immediately released a statement claiming that his choice of theme—the Willy Wonka Glasgow Experience—was infinitely superior. 

When asked about his reaction to the official theme, Fifthian stated, “Outraged does not even begin to describe how I feel right now.” President Fithian further explained his frustration with his theme of choice not being selected: “I was so excited to transform Clark’s campus into the unforgettable Willy’s Chocolate Experience, mirroring the exact event that occurred in Glasgow this February. I’m truly heartbroken that the students won’t be able to experience the theme that I had chosen.”

Fithian unveiled his vision for the event, including an oompa loompa meth lab that would be open to all students and any passersby that wanted to try the magical Wonka meth. 

The Willy Wonka Glasgow Spree Day was so important to Fithian that he made the decision to raise tuition by over three thousand dollars, just to finance this event. “Now, I don’t really know what we’re going to do with the money from the tuition raise. Changing the spree day theme defeated the whole purpose,” reported Fithian. When asked what ideas he had for using this influx of money, he said “I mean, we might as well use it to shut down more locally-owned businesses and expand the Clark empire.”