This story was originally published in print, on April 9th, 2024, in the Satire Edition of the Scarlet, the Shartlet. 

PHOENIX, April 8. 2024 – In a shocking turn of events, number one seed Purdue was upset by Division III standout Clark University in the men’s basketball championship Monday night by a final score of 107 to 103. But how exactly did Clark University end up in the March Madness Championship game? Let’s uncover the story of a Division III school that toppled Zach Edey and Purdue. 

Our journey begins with the Final Four matchup between the University of Alabama and University of Connecticut – which ended with a Crimson Tide victory despite UConn’s dominant run through the previous rounds. Alabama’s victory set the college sports world ablaze – how could a school known for its football prowess reach the championship game for basketball? The NCAA had to make a quick decision, ultimately ruling that Alabama was disqualified from the game as they are a “football school.” What team would fill Alabama’s spot against Purdue, who knocked out Cinderella story NC State in the previous round? 

In come the Clark University Cougars – who volunteered to take on Purdue and were confident given the Boilermakers’ history of tournament choking. And just as the University of Virginia did before them in 2018, Purdue made history Monday night, becoming the first ever one seed to be bested by a Division III team during March Madness. 

Stars from the game include Kekoa McArdle, who trounced 7’4” Wooden Award winner Zach Edey in the paint with 27 points, 20 rebounds and 11 blocks, and Bruce Saintilus, who tallied a game-high 42 points.