This story was originally published in print, on April 9th, 2024, in the Satire Edition of the Scarlet, the Shartlet. 

President David Fithian announced last month that the University’s tuition would be raised, again, to total over $57,000.

In an interview with The Shartlet, Fithian said that the additional tuition dollars will be necessary to help fund his horse breeding business, a side hustle he is passionate about starting.

“I’m hoping to jumpstart the creation of centaurs,” Fithian said, “introducing some important magic to our all-too-cold world.” He has had plans to develop centaurs for some time, apparently, but was waiting for the right opportunity.

Fithian acknowledged that the University has other important expenses, but said that the centaur research would pay for itself in less than a decade. It is not immediately clear what sort of profit may be derived from the centaurs, though Fithian suggested that the technology would be proprietary to the University.

He added that the program would help Clark to stand out among competitors, showing that the University offers “a truly distinctive and distinguished academic experience.” 

Fithian may intend to help Clark better compete with neighboring WPI, which recently announced its own tuition hike in order to raise more funds for their “defense engineering” program, which specializes in the design of mass-producible laser-guided missiles.