This story was originally published in print, on April 9th, 2024, in the Satire Edition of the Scarlet, the Shartlet. 

Clark Athletics cannot seem to catch a break this spring season. Each team seems to be unable to reach a successful climax as they are constantly being “edged” or are influenced to “top” by other teams. Most recently, the men’s lacrosse team was “edged” by the Coast Guard – even worse, they ended up losing the game! Head Coach Jeff Cohen tells the Scarlet: “It’s unfortunate to have been edged by the Coast Guard, but that will not hold the team back from competing fiercely in our upcoming matches. With more practice, the team will have the strength and stamina to attain a successful ending in the future.” There is more to cum for Clark Athletics this spring, and hopefully, the teams reach happy endings in their upcuming games.