This story was originally published in print, on April 9th, 2024, in the Satire Edition of the Scarlet, the Shartlet. 

Clark Athletics has a new logo, color scheme and set of jerseys, inspired by the president Fithian and his heavenly herd of horses. All Clark Athletics squads will now be known as the Colts, with the primary colors being chestnut brown and wild orchid pink. 

“Well, chestnut brown was an obvious choice, given the horse-based mascot,” a spokesperson for Clark Athletics said. “Then, we wanted to find a secondary color that would pair nicely with brown. We ended up throwing darts at the wall until we hit wild orchid pink,” they said.

The athletics department solicited mascot and color scheme ideas from a focus group of students, ultimately deciding not to listen to any of their suggestions. 

Students and athletes are less than pleased with the department’s new look. “I’m transferring to Holy Cross because of this,” one player went as far as to say. “Even their Crusader mascot is less offensive than the Colt,” she said.

Another student said, “I much preferred my mascot suggestion, a 6.0 cu. ft. 3/4 HP 120-Volt Motor Direct Drive Portable Cement Mixer, but I guess I’ll have to live with the Colt.”

Time will tell if students come around to the Colt, but for the time being expect game attendance to plummet even lower than it already is while fans acclimate to the equine mascot. 

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