This story was originally published in print, on April 9th, 2024, in the Satire Edition of the Scarlet, the Shartlet. 

We’ve all seen the small yet deceptively speedy Campus Ambassador car zooming across campus, off to save the day. The electric vehicle is quiet and seemingly safe; however, a recent incident has Clark students questioning the drivers’ motives. 

Just last week, the vehicle collided violently with an unsuspecting freshman. The student alleged that the driver Campus Ambassador-mobile quickly fled the scene, leaving the student to fend for themselves with their bruises and scrapes.

“I didn’t even hear them coming!” the student told The Scarlet, fighting back tears. “One second I’m walking through Red Square, and next I’m on the ground and the car is driving away.” 

A witness to the accident notes how the car “didn’t stop to help.” The driver has yet to come forward, and the student ambassador car remains in use, apparently on the lookout for its next victim.