Every four years, we all watch as the two main parties trot out their mediocre candidates, who no one particularly likes, but we vote for them mostly because they say they might try to make changes you like (even though you know they probably won’t) and to keep the other side from winning. We are in desperate need of more political parties aside from the Libertarian Party and the Green Party, which serve more as Jill Stein’s personal vanity project than anything else at this point. While many people clamor, and justifiably so, we, the people, consistently overlook one of the most prolific and serious candidates of our time, Vermin Supreme. As he describes himself in his own words, “I am a friendly fascist. I am a tyrant that you should trust.” Supreme (Yes, that is his real name) has brought his no-nonsense political style to the past six presidential elections for three political parties. His policies are much more serious than his opponents’, swearing to give a pony to every American and to institute a mandatory tooth-brushing law and to create renewable energy using zombies and the latest in hamster wheel technology. He also promised to give us voters in a speech he gave in 2011, “Anything your little electorate heart desires, because you are my constituents, you are the informed voting public, and because I have no intention of keeping any promise that I make.” 

While he is a very serious candidate, he brings up a very important factor in other countries’ politics that the United States sorely lacks: that of the satirical candidate. In England, during the last parliamentary election, former Prime Minister Rishi Sunak stood for election against both a man in an Elmo costume and a Recyclon named Count Binface, who promises to price cap croissants and build at least one affordable house (which is more than the other parties can muster between them). The Count’s continuous candidacy is a celebration of the fact that anyone with 500 pounds and citizenship can stand for election, no matter their silly getup (Don’t worry, he’s not naming names). 

These novelty candidates play an important role in politics, bringing a fun twist to an otherwise boring and tedious process, allowing people to find and latch onto these characters, and while maybe not vote for them or seriously supporting their policies, get more invested in the politics and news that affects them, making them a modern-day Alfred E. Neuman. But in the United States, we have grown numb to the problems of the two-party system that is fully locked away under the control of the bourgeois, making us see both third parties and independent candidates as jokes. This ultimately stems from two problems: The first being that there are simply very few people who think they can run for president, and the second being that the two main parties have sole power over who truly runs for office.

 The first problem stems from the apathy of the second, which I will explain later; but the solution is simple: More people need to run as independents. There are no requirements to run for office other than having residency, being 18, and being a citizen of this country. While I can’t support immediately running for the presidency, I highly recommend that you run for local office and work your way up from there. As for the second problem, the solution is a lot more complicated. Ever since the Reagan administration, the Republican party leaders have realised that they can make billions of dollars in profits by capitulating to the PACs, or Political Action Committees, and doing nothing but passing tax breaks for the wealthy and ignoring the needs of regular Americans. The leaders of the Democratic Party also realised this and wanted to do the same, but there was one key problem: if they began to act like the Republicans, they would lose their voter base. So, they came up with a new strategy: They could continue advocating for progressive causes, but purposefully dropping the ball at the last second or electing more centrist candidates like Bill Clinton, and this strategy has worked. They dropped the ball in the 2000, 2016, and 2024 elections, and fumbled key legislation like the Build Back Better Bill. Now, they are beginning to shift their policies to the right, claiming that they need to “Become more centrist and appeal to middle America to win”, with the most clear example of this ideology being New York Senator Chuck Schumer. Schumer frequently discusses a family who lives on Long Island named the Baileys, who are a fairly centrist family with complicated political beliefs. Schumer has shared tons of information about the Baileys, from their Chinese food order to their thoughts on Goatees, to their favorite NHL team, and he has claimed to have modeled his political career after them. This would be a perfectly harmless, if not beneficial thing for him to do in showing care and knowledge of his constituents, would it not be for the fact that the Baileys have apparently voted for Donald Trump with five of their past six votes in the last three elections, along with the fact that they, to be very clear, DO NOT EXIST. (If you want more information on this, Last Week Tonight has a great piece on them on YouTube). 

So, how do we combat this to make a system that actually works for us? Well, it’s easier said than done, but it involves two main components. First, more progressives need to step up and run for office. To quote rapper Killer Mike, “Get your ass in them neighborhood meetings like my grandmother did, and push the line! And we can disagree, but if I don’t see you at the meeting, I don’t care about nothing you saying.” And for those stepping up, they need to run as independents, or form new political parties that actually try to make the changes they want to see, like the Young Lords or the Black Panther Party, and these parties need to work together to form a second Rainbow Coalition, made up of the people. And as for the second thing we can do, it is the simple action we hope we will always be able to do in this country: vote. Vote for the people who have ideas you believe in, and take the time to research the candidates in every election you can vote in, and put some effort into your most important civic duty. To quote the great Vermin Supreme, “And remember: vote early, vote often. And remember, a vote for Vermin Supreme is a vote completely thrown away.”