This story was originally published in print, on April 9th, 2024, in the Satire Edition of the Scarlet, the Shartlet. 

The administration of Clark University always looks out for their students. To show it, they’re pushing to increase enrollment and admit more transfer students so you can go through painful breakups without seeing your ex at every turn.

 One of the university’s main draws is its small student body that contributes to intimate class discussions, increased time with professors, and familiarity with most students around campus. Although these all seem like the great perks of a small liberal arts school, there is one unspoken hardship that most students will have to endure at one time or another: seeing your ex all. The. Goddamn. Time. 

Many students start relationships with classmates, clubmates, or dorm-mates. As a result, when these relationships end, students at colleges as small as Clark are forced to see their ex at the gym, in their class, in their dorm, at the dining hall, and seemingly everywhere around campus. 

Always attentive to the needs of their students that matter most, administrators announced an ambitious four-year plan to increase enrollment to eventually meet a goal of 10,000 total students by 2027. 

“We hope students will understand that we are doing this for their own good,” an Undergraduate Admissions official told The Scarlet. “Whether it was a long-term relationship, a passionate one night stand, or someone you accidentally interacted with on Tinder, no one wants to see that person they had a ‘thing’ with,” the official said. 

After the University’s initial statement, the student body was abuzz with appreciation for the administration’s shift in policy. 

Luke Patterson, a sophomore on the baseball team, expressed his admiration for President Fithian and his administration. “It’s bros before hoes, man. And David Fithian? That dude’s my bro. For life. He’s looking out for me like a bro should.” 

University leaders declined to comment on where the thousands of new Clarkies would live. Sources inside the President’s Office suggest, however, that every dorm room will be converted to “at least a triple” in order to accommodate the new students.

Still, administrators hope that this plan will endear them to the student body and make up for some of their missteps earlier this year. It seems to be working, based on how students are reacting so far.