This story was originally published in print, on April 9th, 2024, in the Satire Edition of the Scarlet, the Shartlet. 

Just this morning, a freshman said they “went toward the light” during the eclipse yesterday. 

The student apparently wore regular sunglasses to observe the eclipse, staring directly into the sun for several minutes. The student said that while their retinas burned, it felt like they were being absorbed into the light.

“It was ethereal,” the student told The Shartlet, now sporting eyepatches. “I feel reborn,” they said.

When asked what happened during the eclipse, the student said that they remember clearly hearing “I See the Light,” the song from the 2010 Disney animated film “Tangled.” It felt like being carried by the old thug with the angel wings from the movie, they said.

The student said that they now feel compelled to quit school and become a motivational speaker. They plan to convince people to stare at the sky during major celestial events, they said. “I want them to join me.”

They plan to deliver their first formal speech in Higgins at Wednesday’s lunch. From there, the student said they plan to ride the WRTA and amass followers. “My hope and goal is to rely on donations from passengers to earn enough to eventually speak at other local venues, such as the Sydney Opera House, in Sydney, Australia,” they said.

The Shartlet feels it has an obligation to tell its readers: please do not stare directly at the sun. We do not recommend following the advice of this student who describes themself as a “being of pure light.”