Top 5 US Presidents I Think Missed Out on Mullets

Cyd Abnet, Contributing Writer

Mullets, the ‘bring it back’ trend of the early 2020s, are an incredibly controversial subject. There are those who want to send the hairstyle to its grave (the “business in the front” of the situation, if you will) and then there are die-hard mullet fans who will do anything to further the journey of their favorite hairstyle (the oft-elusive “party in the back”). The one facet of the mullet we can all agree on, however, is that it is an absolute look. it is a dynamic style choice with an up-to-date subculture and, furthermore, a conversation piece to accessorize any outfit. Truly the perfect trend. The only thing that could bring the mullet to the next level is if our politicians got in on it. However, the glaring issue here is that a lot of bigwigs in the political scene have passed away before the dawn and resurgence of the mullet. That’s why I have taken it upon myself to compile a list of US presidents1 who would have absolutely crushed the mullet scene. This is the hard-hitting news you come to The Scarlet for.

  1. Dwight D. Eisenhower – Upon first glance, Dwight may strike you as a balding white Republican man and war criminal. All of these impressions are true. However, I think those are the exact reasons why he should have a mullet. I’m envisioning a shoulder-length mullet, a la Joe Exotic’s iconic do, complete with a blue dip-dye at the bottom because Eisenhower would be trying to relate to the youths of America for re-election. Paired with a ride on a party bus, Dwight D. Eisenhower would usher in a new era of mulletry.
  2. John Quincy Adams – If there was ever a president in need of a hairstyle one-eighty, it would be John Quincy Adams. I’m convinced that this dude was the inspiration for the modern hair transplant surgeries of today. For JQA, I would select a micromullet that would blend seamlessly into his incredibly strong beard game. To match his horrible views on human rights, I would fry his hair with the strongest bleach on the market so it would fall out in chunks onto his suit, creating a vibe similar to the Rudy Guiliani melting hair situation. It would be everything that the hairstyle shouldn’t be, a glaring example of a mullet gone wrong. To top it all off, Adams would also have his own Facebook Watch show while still mulleted and in office. A true American nightmare.
  3. Millard Fillmore – Millard Fillmore’s current hairstyle is reminiscent of loose spaghetti noodles sitting atop one of those red balls you find in front of a Target. A mullet would significantly revamp his general vibe. My vision for his makeover is a choppy, clearly hastily done at 12am, uneven mullet. He is often lauded as the worst president in history for being a terrible horrible racist and a big dummy, so I feel like he’d be a good mullet candidate in the same way that the guy who catcalls you at a gas station with a cigar hanging out of his mouth is a good mullet candidate. A sleazy cut for a sleazy guy.
  4. Andrew Johnson – Andrew Johnson is on this list because I just wanna see that dummy thicc hair in a mullet. He has a solid inch-deep halo around his entire globe, and I know it would make for a Jim Morrison-esque mullet of a lifetime. I’m not exactly sure if the natural curl would be there, but the model marvel of the perm would help move Johnosn’s hair to icon status. People would call the United States the mullet capital of the world, tourists would flock to the White House gates to try and catch a glimpse of that sweet sweet haircut. No dyeing or shaping necessary for ‘ol AJ. The mullet practically writes itself.
  5. Benjamin Harrison – Last but not least is Benjamin Harrison. I placed him last on the list because his hair game sans mullet is so strong, but I’d still love to see him experiment with his style. Throughout his presidency, he remained committed to expanding voting rights, but also was known for having a corrupt management. This puts us in a tricky place when choosing his mullet-to-be. A mediocre 80’s senior picture style feathered mullet would be my choice, as it would do wonders for his natural hair without making him so amazingly mullet-ful that people would like him more than he deserves.

Overall, while I’m not a general fan of the mullet for myself, I do think it is a lovely addition to an eclectically curated look. Perhaps if our politicians were to better reflect the trends of the day, they would come down off of their pretentious and out-of-touch pedestal and slum it with the rest of us in our crop tops and mom jeans (obviously I’m kidding, but I do kinda wanna see Joe Biden in Jordans). Until then, god bless the mullet and god bless America.

1I would like to acknowledge that James K. Polk technically did have a mullet, but I am not including him on this list because the list is only for theoretical mullet-havers. I also feel as though due to Polk’s incredibly receded hairline, it doesn’t count because literally half his hair is gone and therefore it is not a whole mullet.